Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman,
walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked
for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a
Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or, if I asked you for
a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman
steps it up a gear.

'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was
'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'

The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'


He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Nana, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Nana, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'


The Plumber That Rocks
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way
when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought
the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now
had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and
whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking this fucking dog for a walk?'



The Plumber That Rocks
Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue went for a night on the
town. As they left the nightclub Kylie slipped and got her head stuck
between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take
full advantage of this, and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one
side and gave her a good seeing to.

"It's your turn now, Will," grinned Robbie, but Will started crying.

Robbie asked, "why are you crying Will, what's wrong?"

Will sobbed. "My head wont fit between the railings."



Active Member
wicky said:

Might make fraidy laugh :D I did LOL

I'd already been given a nod that he was gonna lose his licence. LOL


The bit that was in the paper made me laugh... some prat standing up for him....

"Police were nearby at peak times and were called to assist at incidents needing intervention" :err:

well thats alright then :roll: never mind the people that never got any sleep at weekends and all the cars and shops that got damaged every weekend :roll:


The Plumber That Rocks
A man was driving from Wick to Inverness, when suddenly a huge red-
haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.
The driver stops, and notices a beautiful young woman to the side of the
The highlander opens the door and drags the man out and shouts
"Right you, I want you to masturbate."

"But..." the driver stutters.

"Now, or I'll bloody well kill you"

So the man turns his back to the girl and starts masturbating - thinking of
the girl on the roadside this only takes a minute.

"Right, do it again!" shouts the highlander.



The man reluctantly starts masturbating again.
This goes on for several hours until the man collapses.

"Do it again!"

"I just can't anymore, you'll just have to kill me..."

The highlander picks the man up and says

"All right, NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."



Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

‘Please allow me to help I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,’ How does that feel’?

He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.’