HAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has
gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was
I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down
I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and
I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
 
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the
morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the
husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
 
This is the kind of old lady I wanna be!!!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.The Minister then repeated his question.All
responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced
the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches." LOL LOL
 
>Men Are Just Happier People--
>
>What do you expect? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
>Wedding
>plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can
never
>be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear
NO
>shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your
>urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because
this
>one is just too icky. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding
>dress $5000 - Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when
>you're
>talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
>expected.
>New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
>
>
>Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation
>requires
>only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit
for
>the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he
>or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
>Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap
>problems
>in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on
>your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe
>decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys
>all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one
>pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how
>your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have
>freedom
>of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for
>25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
 
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