HAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS

from croatia england game

croatia_celtic_fans.jpg


LOL LOL
 
Vincent Van Gogh's Family Tree

His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -------------------------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store------ Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ---------------------------Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ---------------------------------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------A mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -----------------Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------------Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst ---------------------------E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin ----------------------------Main Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ---------------------------Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van -----Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there you Gogh!


Sorry :err: LOL
 
College Entrance Exam: For Football Players


You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d)Swedish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
Rockhardchick666 said:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Click to expand...
:withstupid:
I think that I posted this here before
 
>>>> A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
>>>> >leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her
>>>> >around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
>>>> >completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are
>>>> >three shelves >in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
>>>>cuddly teddy >bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
>>>>wall! >
>>>> >
>>>> >It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
>>>> >arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of
>>>> >thought he
>>>> >had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all
>>>> >along the
>>>> >bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle
>>>> >shelf,
>>>> >and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
>>>> >She
>>>> >ound it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
>>>> >a
>>>> >collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and
>>>> >actually
>>>> >is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a
>>>> >while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could
>>>> >be
>>>> >the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds
>>>> >warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he
>>>> >romantically
>>>> >lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they
>>>> >rip
>>>> >off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so
>>>> >overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
>>>> >more heat than she has ever known.
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
>>>> >sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
>>>> >The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
>>>> >"Well, how was it?"
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply
>>>>
>>>> >into her eyes, and
>>>> >says.............................................(scroll down) >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >
>>>> >"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
 
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Freddy Eastwood's free kick claimed the biggest cup scalp of all for Southend,
LOL LOL LOL LOL

as the Championship's bottom team dumped Top of the Premiership Man-Ure,
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo included,
out of the Carling Cup. LOL LOL LOL LOL

and one more time



LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
 
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.


He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London.

I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you
for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I
want to see how you live on £800 a year".

:D
 
Bocky and Frenchy were out playing golf...
They both tee'd off on the first hole and their balls kinda went off the
fairway a bit.

Bocky found his in a big clump of buttercups a tough shot but he would
manage it.
Thrashing away with his club he kept missing the ball...
But totally obliterated the buttercups.
Then there was a puff of smoke and mother nature apeared....
Oh dear Mr Bocky she said...
Look what you have done to these lovely buttercups :|
You need to be punished :|
No butter for you for the rest of your days :|
Another puff and she was gone.

Bocky was a bit shocked by this and turned round but couldnt see Frenchy..

He shouted out FRENCHY... WHERE ARE YOU

Over here in the pussy willow..... came the reply....

:shock: :shock: :shock: FOR FUX SAKE DONT SWING THAT CLUB FRENCHY


LOL LOL LOL
 
rockin_plumber said:
Bocky and Frenchy were out playing golf...
They both tee'd off on the first hole and their balls kinda went off the
fairway a bit.

Bocky found his in a big clump of buttercups a tough shot but he would
manage it.
Thrashing away with his club he kept missing the ball...
But totally obliterated the buttercups.
Then there was a puff of smoke and mother nature apeared....
Oh dear Mr Bocky she said...
Look what you have done to these lovely buttercups :|
You need to be punished :|
No butter for you for the rest of your days :|
Another puff and she was gone.

Bocky was a bit shocked by this and turned round and couldnt see Frenchy..

He shouted out FRENCHY... WHERE ARE YOU

Over here in the pussy willow..... came the reply....

:shock: :shock: :shock: FOR FUX SAKE DONT SWING THAT CLUB FRENCHY


LOL LOL LOL
Click to expand...

LMMFCAO LOL LOL LOL LOL i spat out me tea :D LOL LOL LOL
 
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