HAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman who
waves at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies," I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I fucked on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

LOL LOL LOL
 
People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
 
rockin_plumber said:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman who
waves at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies," I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I fucked on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my ass with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

LOL LOL LOL

LOL
 
lost.jpg
 
Wicky will love that LOL LOL

An Australian tourist and his family were in vacancy in the United States and went to Mexico for one week. Fan of cactus, the man reported a one height meter rare and expensive variety. Of return to the house, the Australian customs services said to him that it was necessary to put a 3 months forty. He finally received his cactus. Planted in its garden, and with time it pushed until the size of 2 meters. One evening when it sprinkled its garden after one day hot of spring, it sprinkled the cactus slightly. It was astonished to see the plant shivering from top to bottom, gave again water and it shivered again. It was astonished and called with the telephone the town hall which redirected it towards the department gardening. After some transfers it spoke with the expert in cactus which asked him some questions. Which size does it have? Did it already flower? Etc Finally is it posed to the question the most strange "your family in the house? "the man answered that yes. The expert in cactus known as to leave the house IMMEDIATELY, going in front of the house and awaiting it; That it would be there in 20 minutes. Fifteen minutes after, 2 trucks firemen, 2 police cars and an ambulance arrived all howling sirens. A fireman went down from the truck and asked "are you the man with the cactus" the man answered who yes. The fireman made sign with an equipped man with what resembled a spacesuit, with demi-johns to breathe and a long pipe attached above. He went in the garden, lit a lance flames and sprinkled the from top to bottom cactus. After some minutes the man with the lance flames stopped, the cactus smoked, the moitie of the fence had brulé and a part of the garden had been trampled. At this time, the expert in appeared cactus, and reassured the owner of the garden while bringing a calcined piece of the cactus to him, it showed him that the cactus was practically entirely hollow and that it was filled of mangeuses tarantulae of birds. This type of spider lays its?ufs in this type of cactus, the?ufs hatch and the spiders grow until the adult size. Large once they is released. The cactus explodes and approximately 150 hairy spiders are projected by it. They were ready to leave.

here is a pic of the spider :shock: :shock:

clip_image002.jpg
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER Listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget
to salt them.You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.USE
THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"



















The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."


LOL LOL LOL How true
 
rockin_plumber said:
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER Listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget
to salt them.You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.USE
THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"



















The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."


LOL LOL LOL How true
No comment :err:
 
Ben said:
http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=fF9_WdUlLbM&eurl=&iurl=http%3A//sjl-static6.sjl.youtube.com/vi/fF9_WdUlLbM/2.jpg&t=OEgsToPDskLWqwkssq9LrHEh7gVjqs69

LMAO 30 seconds in LOL LOL LOL LOL
LMFAO LOL LOL LOL
 
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