HAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS

rockin_plumber said:
One morning an Englishman is having breakfast in Paris (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-
gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a
smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam, and sell the jam to England .'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in
France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

:D
Click to expand...

LOL LOL LOL

btw, i never eat some chewing bubble gum :err:
 
wicky said:
Well you won't anymore LOL
Click to expand...

even Malabar :?

malabar_bulle.jpg
 
My mother's a gullible old dear, so when she asked me what I wanted for
my birthday, I wrote out a list.

She spent hours at the shopping centre trying to find an air guitar, and a
fanny magnet.

But she wasn't fooled at all by my request for the book; "French Military
Victories."

:D
 
For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: Being
kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth.

So how can we reach an answer? Well put it this way. About a year after a
couple's first child, a woman will say "lets have another baby"

But I challenge you to find a man, who one year on, will turn to his mate
and say "tell you what, Dave...kick me in the bollocks again"
 
Christopher comes home from work early one day.

He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the
floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the
air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more.

Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding
of her life until they both orgasm loudly. Then he zips himself up, gets to
his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can.

"What the fuck was that for?!" she screams at him.

"That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies.
 
The Pope was invited to Liverpool for the opening of a new cathedral. He
waited for his Limo to come and pick him up, and waited, and waited, and
waited. After about 20 minutes the driver finally turns up so the Pope gets
in the back of the Limo. The driver was doing about 40mph and the Pope
is in the back of the Limo shouting all kinds of Italian profanities at him,
telling him to speed up.

Eventually the Pope has had enough and tells the driver to pull over, the
Pope gets out of the Limo and pulls the driver out of the driver's seat. The
driver gets in the back and the Pope drives, and he puts his foot down.
He's going down the M6 doing about 120mph when they speed past a
Police car doing speed checks.


The scouse copper turns to the other and says, "Ere Terry, we'll have this
cunt" and they speed off after the Limo with the lights and sirens blaring.

Eventually the Pope pulls over and the copper walks up the window.
Suddenly he turns white as a sheet and quickly turns back to the police
car, his colleague seeing that something is up asks him,

"Whats the matter Terry?" To which he replied,

"I nearly pulled over the most important person in the world!" The other
copper asks, "Who?"

Terry replied,

"I don't know, but the fucking Pope was driving him!" :D
 
> Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
> He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
> The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of
> a man on a ledge of a large Building preparing to jump.
>
> The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
> Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
> The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
> Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
> did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
> The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
> saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
>
> Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
> news and so I knew he would jump.'
>
> The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
>
> Bob took the money.
 
Over 5000 men were surveyed asking why they liked blowjobs.....
1% liked the warmth.....
2% liked the sensation.....
3% liked the erotocism.....
and 94% liked the peace and quiet :D
 
Just got this email LOL LOL LOL .......

DOCTOR'S ADVICE


"I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use more calm and peace in our lives.
By following this simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all those things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started but not finished.
Before leaving my house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of a bot Prozic and Valum tables, the res of a Cesecake an a box a choclits.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas be wit u an pease sen dis orn to dem u fee Ar in ned ov inr pis.
 
Since he's on his way, I thought now would be a good time to remind us all of the more intelligent and Philosophical things that the leader of the Largest Super power on the Planet has had to say over the course of the last 9 years.

30. "I didn't grow up in the ocean -- as a matter of fact -- near the ocean -- I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I'm fishing." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2008

29. "You know, I'm the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President." --George W. Bush, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008

28. "So I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression." --George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Dec. 18, 2008

27. "So I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression." --George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Dec. 18, 2008

26. ‘Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die.’

25. ‘I aim to be a competitive nation.’

24. ‘I strongly believe what we’re doing is the right thing. If I didn’t believe it – I’m going to repeat what I said before – I’d pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out.’

23. ‘It’s a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life.’

22. ‘You’re free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it’ll take time to restore chaos and order – order out of chaos. But we will.’

21. ‘There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world’s worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.’


20. "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." - Nov. 28, 2005

19. "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - Sept. 6, 2000

18. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." - Dec. 19, 2000

17. "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." - Aug. 30, 2000

16. "I think we agree, the past is over." - May 10, 2000

15. "I understand small business growth. I was one." - Feb. 19, 2000

14. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." - April 23, 2002

13. "I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody." - Jan. 18, 2001

12. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - Jan. 3, 2000

11. "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." - Oct. 5, 2002

10. "I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." - June 18, 2002

9. "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." - May 25, 2004

8. "I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society." - Aug. 13, 2002

7. "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002

6. "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." - Oct. 8, 2004

5. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Sept. 29, 2000

4. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004

3. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Jan. 11, 2000

2. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Jan. 27, 2000

1. "They misunderestimated me." - Nov. 6, 2000

23440GBGeorge-W-Bush-Bushisms-Poste.jpg


untitled-4.jpg




Thankyou and goodnight.
 
A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off," he replies.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid. "Get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off," he replies.
"What?" screams the barmaid. "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!"

Once again the bloke apologises, and says he will never, ever do it again.
"Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid. "Now, what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you."

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.
"What's up, love?" says the husband.
"There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she said in a flood of tears.
"What? He's a dead man!" shouts the husband, getting out of his chair.
"Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife.
"Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard!" shouts the husband, rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me" she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
"Aren't you going to do something?" shouts the wife in hysterics.
"Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink fourteen pints of Guinness..."

:D
 
I was in Asda the other day,with two full trolleys of booze and party stuff,when a little old lady got behind me in the queue,she only had a pint of milk.

So i said is that all you have got to pay for love ?

Yes she replied,
i did the decent thing and said
" if i was you i would i`d fuck off to another till,i'm going to take ages."
 
Jack Schitt













Family history explained...





Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You

don't

know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation.





Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.





Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of

Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.



In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious

couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt,

Bull Schitt,

and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.





Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a

high

school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt

divorced.



Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and

because her kids were living

With them she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.



Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son,

Chicken

Schitt.



Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood

and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The

wedding

announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.



The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,

the

prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from

Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.





So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct

them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

LOL
 
wicky said:
Jack Schitt
Family history explained...
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You
don't know Jack Schitt
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt,
Bull Schitt,and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living With them she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son,
Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood
and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from
Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct
them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
LOL
Click to expand...

Excellent LOL
 
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