Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

Then he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting..........

"Colin wake up you drunk pig,you are shitting in the bed again!!!" :D
A woman rings her dad who has just gone into a nursing home and ask him how he is getting on.

"I love it " he said, "I woke up this morning with an erection and the most beautiful nurse said she would sort it out for me and gave me the best hand job I have ever had!"

Two days later the old man rings his daughter and tells her he is coming home.
"Why? I thought you loved it there?" she said.

"I did,but I fell over this morning and one of them gay male nurses slipped his cock in me and gave me a right rodgering, I'm coming home"

"Well," said his daughter, "you have to take the good with the bad, you get a great hand job when you get an erection so the price you pay for it is an arse rodgering from the gay nurse, it's only fair" she said.

"No it fucking isn't, I get an erection twice a year, but I fucking fall over 7 times a day"

The other day I saw a magic beanstalk, so I decided to climb it. As I went up, I saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.

She said "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."

Without thinking, I carried on climbing.

The next woman I saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it.

She too beckoned to me saying "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."

So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot.

She said "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."

I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.
I was so outraged I said "Who the fuck are you!".
He replied "I'm Cess."
A husband and wife decide that she needs a little "nip/tuck" on her pussy, as, after having five kids it looks like Volvo truck mudflaps down there. So they make an appointment with the local hospital for a spot of cosmetic surgery.

After the operation, waking up in the Ward, she notices, bleary eyed that her husband and the surgeon are stood next to her bed, and that there are three bunches of red roses in the vase on the bedside table.

Inquisitively, she sits up on the bed and asks the surgeon, "Who are the three bunches of red roses from?"

"Well," says the surgeon, "the first bunch are from me. As i was working on you i realised that this was the best job i have ever done."

"And the second and third?" enquires the woman.

"Well the second bunch is from your husband. Whilst you were unconscious, your husband came in and had a look under your nightgown. He said that it was like looking at an 18 year old's pussy all over again!" replies the surgeon.

"So what about the third bunch?!" demands the lady.

"Well, they're from Mr Jones in the Burns Unit down the corridor, to thank you for the new pair of ears."

Ferrari's boss lost in sand with Massa & Alonso on the back LOL LOL LOL

shame for him LOL LOL


http://blog.motorstv.com/2058-montezemo ... video.html" target="blank
Why do French people only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.





A comic strip on Team Dark (Shadow the Hedgehog, E-123 Omega the Robot and Rouge the Bat*)
Panel 1 - Shadow sings This Machine, Team Dark's theme song performed by Julien-K for the Sonic Heroes video game
Panel 2 - The three then stopped after they found a pole in front of them
Panel 3 - "Shadow, use your 'Black Tornado' to go up!" said Omega, urging Shadow to use the Black Tornado to spin to the top of the pole and bring all three to distant places
Panel 4 - "Sh-Shadow..." again the robot urged, but Shadow declines. He then kneels to the ground and barked, drooled and wagged his tail like a dog while watching Rouge performing a pole dance

*My avatar shows her
I received an accidental text yesterday, it said:

Hi, be home soon, love ya, Steve xxx

Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I text the bloke back: :evil:

Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a cunt & I have been shagging your brother.

I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came: :err:

You ok mum?

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....

I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have $ex?'
'No,' she answered..
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My goodness’ I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Three blondes are walking in the woods when they come across some tracks.

The first says they are badger tracks,

The second says "no they aren't, they're fox tracks,"

The third says, "no way they are definately hedgehog tracks,"

Tragically they were all killed by the train. :D
An American tourist asks Paddy:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Paddy replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f*ckin’ boat"