Tell a joke

Three guys are in a bar. They all get wasted, and leave. The next night they go back the bar and tell each other what happened when they got home.

The first guy says "I got so drunk, I totaled my my brand new Porsche."

The second guy says "I got so drunk, I got into a fight with my wife, knocked over a burning candle, and burned down the house."

The third guy says "Oh yeah? Well when I got so home, I walked inside and blew chunks."

They other two guys look at each other, wondered what was so bad about what the third guy did.

Then the third guy says "No guys, you dont understand, Chunks is my dog."


:banana: :D
 
bosnian comes to new york and while he is walking down the street he gets hungry. he notices a hot dog stand and he doesn't know what that is so he checks his dictionary to find out what does hot dog mean. after he found out what hot means and what dog means he comes to the stand and orders a hot dog. when he gets it he looks inside the bun and comments
"Just my luck.....i get the worse part fo the dog"
 
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"




:banana:
 
There was once a kid who overheard his parents screwing. His father told his mother,"Oh, you have such nice big titties!"
His mother told his father,"Oh, you have such a big, long cock!" He asked his dad what titties and cocks were. His dad Told him,"Titties are big hats that women wear, and cocks are big long coats that men wear." The next day, he overhears his parents arguing. His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. He asks his mom what a bitch and bastard are. His mom tells him,"Well, a bitch is a woman and a bastard is a man." It's the night of the thanksgiving dinner. He walks by the bathroom while his dad is shaving. His dad cuts himself and says,"Shit!" He asks what shit is. "Oh, it's just this stuff I'm getting off my face now." He then walks into the kitchen, where his mom is stuffing the turkey. She slices her finger with a knife and says,"Fuck!" He asks what fuck is. She tells him,"It's what I'm putting in the turkey." The guests arrive,and the kid wants to show off His new vocabulary. "Hi, there, bitches and bastards. Allow me to take your titties and cocks and hang them up for you. My daddy's in the batroom wiping the shit off his face and my mommy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."


LOL
 
Hi everybody :D

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"


:headbang:
 
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."


:kinkyfruit:
 
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth' "?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


:bj:
 
Bloke walks into bar with a mobile phone inplanted into his hand.
'Bloody hell, that looks amazing! Does it work mate?' says the barman.
The bloke with the mobile inside his hand replies, ' yeah, new model, listen to this ringtone...oohh, seems as though i've got to see to it now, i'll be in the toilet.'
'alright mate. cor blimey. what a mobile.' exclaimes barman.
Another bloke walks into a bar...' look mush, latest mobile, it's amazing, nothing can beat it' this bloke says to the barman.
'I think someone can. There is a lad in that toilet with a mobile inplanted into his hand!' replied the barman.
'Well I'm going to have a look, I don't belive you.'

So this bloke wonders off into the toilet and sees this bloke with the mobile in his hand with his pants down, hands against wall going, 'eerrrrgghhh!' in great pain and a load of paper coming out of his arse.
'What is wrong with you mate?' asks the man with the normal mobile.
'I'm Reciving a Fax!!!!!!'
 
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


8)
 
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