Tell a joke

C

Cyrus

Moderator
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks and it fall off by itself!"
 
^ LOL


This is my favorite joke, although it's pretty silly

So these 2 muffins are in an oven baking together when the 1st muffin looks at the second muffin and says "Boy, it sure is hot in here"; the 2nd muffin looks at the 1st muffin and then yells "Ahhhh, Oh my god a talking muffin!!!"

:banana:
 
So the Madame of a Bordello is facing a huge dilemna, all the women are gone for the evening for various reasons. Not wanting to miss out on a night's income she decides to place blow-up dolls in all the rooms and turn the lights down really low- in the hopes that the usually drunk and often very stupid clientele won't know the difference. A customer walks into the foyer and stumbles drunkenly to the Madame and orders himself a girl for the night. The Madame leads him into a dark room and tells him to enjoy himself. He is in the room for about 20 minutes when he emerges with a very perplexed look on his face. The Madame is worried he has figured out he was left with a blow-up doll, so she enquires as to what was wrong "Was my girl not suitable enough for you?" He relied "I don't know what happened, we were screwing then I bit her tit- she farted and flew out the window" :?
 
So this guy walks into a bar ( :roll: common I know), and he sees a horse at the back with a bucket full of money and sign around it's neck that says "Make this horse laugh and win the money". The horse is crying desperately and doesn't stop. The guy walks to the horse, whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse starts laughing hysterically. The guy grabs the bucket of money and leaves.
The following day he comes back and the horse is still there laughing; this time another bucket of money and sign that says "Make the horse cry and win the money". The guy whispers into the horse's ear, and the horse begins to sob. The guy grabs the money and walks to the bar to order a drink. The bartender is curious and asks what he did. The guys says "Well the first time I made him laugh by telling him my dick is bigger than his, and to make him cry-I showed him". :p
 
.. A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijauana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.



:banana:
 
SexyDevilGirl said:
.. A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijauana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.



:banana:
Click to expand...

LOL LOL
 
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly"


LOL
 
SexyDevilGirl said:
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly"


LOL
Click to expand...

LOL LOL LOL LOL
 
. Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,

"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."

:shock:
 
I went to a wedding last week - 2 antennas that I really know well.

The wedding was shit house but the reception was brilliant!! :wink:
 
An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"
And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!
 
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?

One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries.


Don't get mad :|
 
Two flys are buzzing around a saucer thats been left by the kitchen sink. On the saucer there's a pea, and the two fly's are lazily kicking this pea around betwen them

Fly 1) Hey friend i sure hope you improve your skills before Sunday

Fly 2) Why's that :?

Fly 1) Cos that's when we're playing in the Cup :D

LOL LOL LOL
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top