HAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS

SDG...I thought you might like this :D

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
 
^^^Too funny LOL LOL LOL
I have to send a copy to my mom-she has more cats than I do :shock:

I knew they were trying to kill me. My middle child once tipped a glass of soda while I was drinking it-he tried to make me choke. :shock:
 
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "FUCK"


It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.


In language, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John FUCKed Mary) and intransitive (Mary was FUCKed by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a FUCK) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a FUCK); or an adverb (Mary is FUCKing interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific FUCK). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is FUCKing beautiful).


As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of "FUCK".



Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:


Greetings; How the FUCK are you?
Fraud; I got FUCKed by the car dealer.
Dismay; Oh, FUCK it!
Trouble; Well, I guess I'm FUCKed now.
Aggression; FUCK you.
Disgust; FUCK me.
Confusion; What the FUCK...?
Difficulty; I don't understand this FUCKing business.
Despair; FUCKed again.
Incompetence; He FUCKs up everything.
Displeasure; What the FUCK is going on here?
Lost; Where the FUCK are we?
Disbelief; UnFUCKingbelieveable.
Retaliation; Up your FUCKing ass.
Telling time; I have to work till 5 o-FUCKing-clock.



It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a FUCKing asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five FUCKing thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this FUCKing job?"
It can be maternal -- as in "MotherFUCKer".
It can be political -- "FUCK Bill Clinton."


General Custer's last words: "Where did all them FUCKing Indians come from?"


"What the FUCK was that?" -Mayor of Hiroshima


"That's not a real FUCKing gun." - John Lennon


"Who's gonna FUCKing find out?" - Richard Nixon


"Heads are going to FUCKing roll." - Anne Boleyn


"Any FUCKing idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein


"It does so FUCKing look like her!" - Picasso


"How the FUCK did you work that out?" - Pythagoras


"You want what on the FUCKing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo


"FUCK a duck." - Walt Disney


"Scattered FUCKing showers my ass." - Noah


"I need this parade like I need a FUCKing hole in my head." - J.F.K.


And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic: "Where is all this FUCKing water coming from?"



The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say FUCK?



Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige.



Tell someone "FUCK YOU today!"
 
rockin_plumber said:
I got a good one :err:

I will post it on one condition :|

Someone startin with C dont get mad

Doesn't bother me. If it's the what I think it is-I say it all the time.

I'm a potty mouth :P

He's a touchy one-just ignore him.
 
The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.




Now I see why people say its difficult to learn English :shock: :D
 
To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times


Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby





Shall I post the wifes reply :?
 
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