Pigeons really piss me off :x . I see them all over my city eating trash, flapping their ugly wings, waddling around like a bunch of retarded penguins, and crapping on the ground :x . They’re not pretty, like some birds. They are a dull, greyish-purplish-pukish-green color, and usually have weird bumps on their beaks and feet. And they don’t appear to have any sort of important role in the ‘city ecosystem’. The only things I see them eat are either discarded bites of food or cigarette butts. And they don’t do much of anything except sit around and make stupid noises. Plus, whenever I eat something outside, the little bastards swarm me as if I’m actually going to give them some :x .
I hate pigeons :x . I hate everything associated with them :x . I hate statues because they’re a breeding ground for birds :x . I loathe people that feed birds :x ; that only encourages them more. I hate trees because of the huge collection of bird shit under them. And I hate, I HATE Bert from Sesame Street :x !! I’d like to shove his god damn bottlecap collection right down his throat! Who does he think he is, huh? What kind of sick man actually BREEDS more pigeons :x ?? That stupid banana-faced freak! If I ever happen to find Sesame Street, I’m gonna pull good ‘ol "Mr. Baseball Bat" out of the trunk of my car and proceed to beat the ever-loving shit out of Bert :x :x . Then I’m gonna kick Ernie in the nuts and roll Oscar the Grouch down a big hill :x :x . We’ll see if the Count can count how many broken bones and lacerations I give him (ONE! ONE fractured rib! Ah ha ha!) One more thing: ever notice how much Big Bird looks like a pigeon? Lose a couple hundred pounds and get rid of that obviously fake bleach job, and what do we have :x :x :x ? You might think I’m crazy, but he looks too pigeon-like for my comfort. You think you can hide Big Bird? "Oh, I’m gonna dye my feathers and join a kids show! Everyone will love me!" Not me, pal. I see right through your disguise, and I’m coming after you! Some day when you least expect it, you’ll be walking across Sesame Street, singing a happy song, and you won’t notice my car bearing down on you from behind. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get some of those little kids that always flock around you. And after I plaster you across the bumper of my car, I’m gonna get out and do a victory dance around you before I piss on your twisted, broken body.
Like I was saying, pigeons have been an incredible nuisance to me for most of my life. Then, tonight, while I was walking down the street minding my own business, a bird took a crap on my head. I’m through putting up with pigeons’ bullshit. It’s time for revenge. :x :x :x :x :x