HAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS

The Joys Of Parenthood

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on
the bed.
With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you
that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love
and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercing's, scars, tattoos, and
his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said
that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.





He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my
dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll
be growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us
with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime,
we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He
deserves it.



Don' t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films
that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently
I can earn 50 pounds a scene. I get a 50 pound bonus if there are
more than three men in the scene, and an extra 100 pounds if they use
the horse.



Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of
myself.

Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter, Jane.






P.S : Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I
just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than
ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON FUCKING PENALTIES AGAIN,.

I love you. Jane.
 
I walk in, for about the third time ever, and the new barmaid takes my breath away.

Tall, skinny, jet-black, with dreadlocks flying everywhere. We immediately become friends, of course.

I invite her over to my house a couple of times for dinner, and my family loves her. I even let her choose what I should make, and she asks for Paneer (some weird Indian homemade cheese) with spinach. No problem. Really neat woman. I can hardly keep my eyes off her legs.

I'm selling my Suzuki, and she decides she wants it. She straddles it in her miniskirt, then says: "Oops! I'm showing!"

I walk around front and bend my head down to make sure she's being honest. She is. Pure white panties. We laugh long. Nice moment.

I refuse to sell my Suzuki to her -- it would kill her in about two minutes.

When I drop her off, we sit in the van and talk. Just having those legs next to me makes willie bounce for joy, the single-minded little moron he is.

She opens the door to leave, then leans over and plants her enormous lips on mine, looks square at me, and sticks her tongue in my mouth.

Pure invitation.

Here's the LowBrow moment: I don't cheat, never have, never will. Willie hates me something awful.

And my wife and I broke up, anyway...
Click to expand...


PERSON ONE: So I finally used my Clitopatra vibrator (named "Asyet" by my roommate Adri), and discovered that not only can I gush when orgasming, but I can come several times. I'm feeling a little vexed that a vibrating hunk of plastic that I bought for close to $40 off the Internet makes me come harder and better than eight different guys have done, but...well there are still some problems. I still want a man. Vibrators are good, but they're not much in the way of conversation. :/

PERSON TWO: You should buy a talking dildo.

PERSON ONE: Oh my God! That would be horrifying! It'd probably say things like, "God!! It's dark and moist in here! And it smells like pretzels..." and other non-erotic things. It'd be like having a small elf in my crotch!
Click to expand...


so at work, our bathroom is locked.

this is so that random people don't go in, shit all over everything, and make us have to clean it up. the only difference now is that they have to ask for the key, so they can shit all over everything, and make us have to clean it up.

anywho, i digress.

our particular bathroom key is attached to a big orange wooden stick, on which the words "rod of fury" are inscribed. it's quite a hand weapon against maniacal pre-teens with screwdrivers.

well, this one day, we found the backup rod. an identical orange stick, sans "rod of fury" but.... this one had a chain.

...within minutes we had nunchucks.

in case you're attacked by marauding ninjas on the way to the bathroom. hey, it's a fucking jungle out there, man.
Click to expand...
 
Just got this email LOL .........

"I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynaecologist.
early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just
packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45am.

The trip to his office took out 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth
that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that
area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in
the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a
few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do,
I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school
when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the
bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from
the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all
my glitter and sparkles in it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



O dear



LOL LOL
 
Another email :D my friends on a roll tonight LOL


spelung mishtooks rlue ok!!!!!!

i cdnuiolt bivelee taht cluod aulacity uesdnatnrd waht I was redanig!!

THE PHOMNEAAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID!!!

Accdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy. It deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod arem the ilny i[rpmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteers are in the rghit pclae..... The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is beuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amazing huh????????

Try typing that.
 
666 - The Number of the Beast


667 - The Neighbour of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman Numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - High Precision Number of the Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Common Denominator of the Beast
666*sqrt(-1) - Imaginary Number of the Beast
sin(666) - Transcendental Number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary Number of the Beast
6666 6666 6666 6666 - Credit Card Number of the Beast
666-66-6666 - Social Security Number of the Beast
1-666 - Area Code of the Beast
00666 - Zip Code of the Beast
66 and 66/100% - Purity of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call now! Only $6.66 a minute!
$665.95 - Retail Price of the Beast
$710.30 - Retail Price of the Beast plus 6.66% sales tax
$769.95 - Retail Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacements
$656.66 - Wal-Mart Price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Wal-Mart Price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 degrees - F Oven temperature of the Beast
666K - Retirement Plan of the Beast
666mg - Minimum Daily Requirement of the Beast
6.66% - 5-yr CD interest rate, First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit
DS-666 - Starbase of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast








:err:
 
Sorry guys no offense :D ............

> > >
> > > Men are like ........Laxatives . They irritate the shit out of
you.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less
firm
> > they
> > > are.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Vacations . They never seem to be long
enough.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to
change
them.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not
quite
> > > sure why.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they
usually
> > > head right for your hips.
> > >
> > > Men are like ....... Commercials . You can't believe a word they
say.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are
always
> > 1/2
> > > off.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo
long
> to
> > > mature.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the
first
sign
> of
> > > emotion.
> > >
> > > Men are like . Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
> > >
> > > Men are like .......... Snowstorms ...... You never know when
they're
> > > coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
> > >
> > > Men are like . Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very
bright.
> > >
> > > Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones
are
> taken,
> > > the rest are handicapped.
> > >
> > > Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to
any
> > > understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky
enough
to
> > > know !!!!!!!!!!
> > >
 
Deux amies, complètement bourrées à la suite d'une soirée un peu trop
arrosée rentrent chez elles en marchant.

Elles passent devant un cimetière et l'une suggère à l'autre qu'elles
pourraient se soulager derrière une pierre tombale.

La première, qui n'a rien pour s'essuyer, décide de quitter son slip et de
l'utiliser à cet effet et de le jeter ensuite.

Son amie, qui porte des sous-vêtements de luxe et ne veut pas les abîmer se
trouve chanceuse de trouver un ruban sur une couronne sur une tombe à côté
et s'en sert pour s'essuyer.

Puis elles rentrent à la maison.

Le lendemain, le mari de la première téléphone au mari de la deuxième :

"Il va falloir qu'on surveille nos femmes, la mienne est rentrée sans
culotte la nuit dernière".

"C'est rien" dit l'autre "la mienne est revenue avec une carte coincée
entre les fesses disant :

"De la part de tous les gars de la brigade de pompiers, on ne t'oubliera
jamais"...
 
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