HAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS
- Thread starter MaidenMadness
- Start date
wicky
Moderator
Subject: ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. However, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals,
Tins of baked beans,
Ice cream,
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms; £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; £5 buys a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
" ROMFORD" said the girl. "Woss that gotta do wiv you?
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
LOL
Sorry if anyone's from Essex :err:
Unless you're a lurker
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. However, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals,
Tins of baked beans,
Ice cream,
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms; £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; £5 buys a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
" ROMFORD" said the girl. "Woss that gotta do wiv you?
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
LOL
Sorry if anyone's from Essex :err:
Unless you're a lurker
afraidtoshooteddie
Active Member
wicky
Moderator
>The Wife From Hell
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>A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
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> "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
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>The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
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>perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"
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>Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be
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>silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
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>As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
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> His wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
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>
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>The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
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>radar detector went off when it did."
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>As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
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> Radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
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>Clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
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>
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>The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
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> Wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
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>
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>The driver says, "Yeah,well, you see officer, I had it on, but
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>took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
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>licensee out of my back pocket."
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>The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
>
>Have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
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>driving."
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>And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
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>driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT
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>UP??"
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>The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
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>Husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
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>I love this part....)
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>Only when he's been drinking."
>
>
>
>A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
>
> "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
>
>The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
>
>perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"
>
>Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be
>
>silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
>
>As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
>
> His wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
>
>
>
>The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
>
>radar detector went off when it did."
>
>As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
>
> Radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
>
>Clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
>
>
>
>The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
>
> Wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
>
>
>
>The driver says, "Yeah,well, you see officer, I had it on, but
>
>took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
>
>licensee out of my back pocket."
>
>The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
>
>Have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
>
>driving."
>
>And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the
>
>driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT
>
>UP??"
>
>The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
>
>Husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
>
>I love this part....)
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>Only when he's been drinking."
wicky
Moderator
It was entertainment night at the old folks home, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces......................... "SHIT!" said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the old folks home
LOL
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces......................... "SHIT!" said the hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the old folks home
LOL
Bruce's french speech after the longest day during the Paris gig LOL
'eh ça va Paris !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ça va France je pense aussi ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
nous avons un nouveau album ce soir pour vous
un nouveau album entier pour vous ce soir ehehhhhhhhhhh
je pense que vous vous faisez le (a big white) (and big bruce's laughs coz he forgot the french words )
..........nouveau album il est le meilleur album d'Iron Maiden depuis 10 années
et vous avez acheté cet album et pour ça, pour ça ......merci beaucoup
sans rien de vous, on existe pas ce soir
clap clap clap and Bruce speak a strange yoghourt english'
Great man 8)
'eh ça va Paris !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ça va France je pense aussi ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
nous avons un nouveau album ce soir pour vous
un nouveau album entier pour vous ce soir ehehhhhhhhhhh
je pense que vous vous faisez le (a big white) (and big bruce's laughs coz he forgot the french words )
..........nouveau album il est le meilleur album d'Iron Maiden depuis 10 années
et vous avez acheté cet album et pour ça, pour ça ......merci beaucoup
sans rien de vous, on existe pas ce soir
clap clap clap and Bruce speak a strange yoghourt english'
Great man 8)
rockin_plumber
The Plumber That Rocks
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Steven Gerrard are standing before God at the
throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a
place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football
to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many
people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted
my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the
fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a
living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.
Finally, he turns to Steven Gerrard , "and you, Stevie , what do you
believe?"
"I believe" says Gerrard "you're sitting in my seat."
throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a
place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football
to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many
people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted
my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."
God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the
fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a
living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.
Finally, he turns to Steven Gerrard , "and you, Stevie , what do you
believe?"
"I believe" says Gerrard "you're sitting in my seat."
rockin_plumber
The Plumber That Rocks
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one
in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all
drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the
same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking
drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his
eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "My brothers are fine. It's
me..."I've quit drinking!"
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one
in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all
drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the
same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking
drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his
eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "My brothers are fine. It's
me..."I've quit drinking!"
Iron Domek
Active Member
good one LOL
rockin_plumber
The Plumber That Rocks
Frenchy said:
:| :| :| You got it
afraidtoshooteddie
Active Member
pretty please 
afraidtoshooteddie
Active Member
REMEMBER
Don't Drink and Drive
:err: No matter how experienced you are
LOL
Don't Drink and Drive
:err: No matter how experienced you are
LOL
rockin_plumber
The Plumber That Rocks
How to take a shower
LOL LOL LOL Leave course butt hairs on the soap
LOL LOL LOL Shake weiner at wife and make the woo-woo sound
LOL LOL LOL Leave course butt hairs on the soap
LOL LOL LOL Shake weiner at wife and make the woo-woo sound